My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
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I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
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He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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