I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
