Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
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my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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