great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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