she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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