I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
