last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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