You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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