my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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