maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize