Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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