You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You have to summon your inner elephant
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
