Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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