I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
