She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I see more hoeing in ur future
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
