I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
