i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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