omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
