A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
