I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
