My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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