Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
