I wish I only lived at night.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
