Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I can text with my tongue
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
