and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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