he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
