My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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