hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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