my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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