i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
