Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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