I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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