??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My penis needs a shock collar
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
