Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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