She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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