saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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