wakey wakey hands off snakey
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
