no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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