We won't sleep together?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I could make wine with my vomit
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
