do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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