we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
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Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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