Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's just like the Real World with babies
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
