I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
