My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
