just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
