I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
