A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
