It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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