hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
