Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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