The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
