I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I didn't notice because vodka
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
