I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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